Something Old, Something New

Some of you may recall a blog I wrote a while back concerning an estranged friend. It was clear in my writing that I was still angry, after years of hurt, confusion, and questions gone unanswered. At that time, I was convinced that I would not give the time of day to this person, not again in this lifetime.

However, about a month ago I received a note from her. A note of apology. A number of conversations later we are on our way back towards friendship. Something I never thought possible. I am still bewildered by how far a heartfelt, truthful apology can go. If someone had told me prior to this that I would forgive her someday, I would have laughed in their face.

Well, I am not laughing... I am smiling. I have decided that forgiveness is better than carrying the burden of anger any longer. Something big has been lifted from me, and for that I am grateful. And to top it off, I may have gained a friend... an old friend in a new way.

POMS

I'm at a loss for blog thoughts lately. There are so many bigger things going on - bigger than anything I would attempt to write about. Indescribable thoughts circling around, flitting about constantly throughout the day. It's like the feeling suggested when you hear "in the pit of your stomach". It isn't an easily described feeling, but we all know what it is.

I can think of many moments in my life when I felt it in the 'pit of my stomach' -POMS. Most of my POMS memories are unpleasant ones, or at least anxiety-ridden... forgetting a paper that was due that morning, finding out a loved one has cancer, hearing that he was going to be at the party, an argument with someone of significance, a death... I can feel it in the POMS now with just mention of these memories.

Where I am right now, in this life, will be a time remembered like those above. When I think back, I will be able to feel it all again. I'm not altogether sure it's a good thing, but I do know it has a great impact on the person I have come to be... and will grow to be.

sNOw Complaints

It really is pretty; falling ever so softly onto a bright, fresh, perfect landscape of its own. But I guiltily feel twangs of 'seriously??', 'isn't enough, enough?', 'Gimme a break!'. But, then there's always someone saying, "yah, well, you know... that's Minnisohta for ya!". Right. And I would never choose to live anywhere but. But...

When does it become acceptable to complain about it? When there's two feet of the white crystals lining the driveway? When we haven't seen a completely dry, safe highway in weeks? When it's too cold to enjoy playing in it? When we can no longer use it as an excuse to cozy up in the house, spending time together?

Today, Bubba and I are going to cozy up in the house... I guess for today, I can't complain.

Take 5

As I was listening to talk radio on my way home (yes, I'm that old - ahem - sophisticated) I heard the dreaded words... 'cancel a show like Dirty Sexy Money'. What?!?! Cancel DSM?? I haven't felt a disappointment like this over something so incredibly trivial in a really long time. I felt it all the way to my stomach. I explained to BigCat tonight that I haven't felt this excitement for the tele since Friends ended... and when was that, five years ago? Since last season, this has been a highlight of my Wednesday's, right behind having the day off with the Bird. [tear]

I hope it's not another five years til the next great. Or am I missing one out there??

Verdict

The verdict is in... I didn't get the position. At this time, I am trying to force some positive thoughts:

* Both the Bird and I still have Wednesday's to enjoy together
* I am content with my current position
* With my recent health issues, a department that understands is helpful
* The supervisor "wishes they had a position for me"
* She also stated that a great fitting position may be opening in the future
* They now know me and were very impressed
* If they did have someone in mind when this all began (which is what I believe), I have a chance of being that someone the next time around.

So, that's that. Onto the weekend to recover.

Ahhhhh!!

I just can't keep it in anymore! I think if I share this with you, I will feel better and maybe, just maybe, my wishes will come true with more positive thoughts coming my way.

I have applied for a position within my org... but not just any position, basically it's what I've had in mind since I graduated that windy day back in May 2003. I had my first interview last week, and have since interviewed a second time after making it into the top five. Whew! I expect to hear back by tomorrow, or on Monday at the latest... Lord help me if I have to wait the weekend, good news or bad.

On the side of superstition, I'm not sure whether I should be bloggin' so openly about this, but I just have to let some of this excitement out somehow.

Amy's Day

9 years ago today, my dear, dear cousin Amy passed away. Anyone near and dear in my life knows how much this girl meant to me. We were more than cousins, closer to sisters, just the kind that didn't get to see each other enough.

Although it is a very sad day, it is also a special one. It is a day to remember her and how she impacted every one's lives she was a part of, in her extraordinary way. I awoke this morning with only thoughts of her, and although it was 9 years ago that she was taken from us, I remember the day like it was last week.

I was at a boyfriend's house when I received the call from my mom. I can still clearly picture myself sitting on the edge of the bed in complete shock, disbelief, bewilderment. I wasn't able to drive myself, so he brought me home. There stood my mom in the kitchen, waiting. There was nothing to be said. All we had were questions, and unanswerable ones at that. We curled up in the living room being sleep was not conceivable and watched Forrest Gump. I haven't even peeked at the movie again since then, nor do I believe I ever will.

There are no words to describe the loss we all feel. I am grateful we're able to talk about, remember and appreciate Amy with her parents, siblings and son. To this day, I still feel her presence now and then, and am thankful for the connection we continue to have.

Amy, you are always missed, remembered and loved and will continue to be until we see you again.

I I Cap'n

I recently had an instance in which a somewhat uncomfortable, irritating situation arose. My first reaction was great concern for how the other's involved felt about the situation at hand. Whenever I do this, there is a great amount of assumption involved (and we all know what 'assume' stands for...). Anyway, after some thought about the issue, I decided to permit, or more so force, myself to do something I rarely do. I allowed myself to think about my feelings in the matter. Let it be known, this was a very minor issue. One of those little life things that you stress about for no good reason. Anyway, my conclusion was that I was actually a bit hurt myself. This self realization, acknowledgement of this sentiment, was a freeing moment.

Dear Grandma,

I can't believe it's been 12 years today. In a sense it feels much longer than that since I've seen you, and yet I have so many clear memories that make it seem a shorter time.

One of my most vivid remembrances was the last time I stayed with you before you moved on. We had gotten you to bed and eventually turned in ourselves. As I laid in the living room, I stared at the ceiling and starting bawling. My mom and I talked and happened upon the picture you cross stitched that hung above your kitchen table. I always admired the art and what it stood for, and made sure you knew it.



My mom suggested I look at the back, and sure enough, there it was:



I couldn't believe it. I cried that much harder.

As I cried, my throat tightened up, a burning sensation welling in the back of it. I learned the next day that the awful feeling wasn't at all from the crying; it was tonsillitis. I don't think I have had a sore throat that bad again... until today. Is this you talking to me? Letting me know you're here? Because I could think of way better fashions for you to do it. However, this is one that would not be missed.

You are loved and missed, always.

Anxious

I'm feeling a bit anxious now about leaving Peanut for 4 nights, the longest I've been away from the family since I had him. Anyone out there have any tips for me? Granted, he'll be with his dad in very good hands, but I know I'm going to miss him! That will most likely be the only downfall of this vacay.

Frustration Nation

I started on Monday night... trying to get my wireless Internet working on my laptop. For someone who used to think she was fairly technologically savvy, this has gone tremendously bad. To make a long story short, I'm still trying to get things running and am incredibly frustrated. So much so I could cry, but haven't... yet. I'm taking a short break for now, need to recoup before moving on.

The whole reason I wanted this laptop is because my desktop is a dinosaur. So much so that my new camera won't even talk to it. Once I get everything running (I'm still optimistic this will happen), I will post some pics up... The dresses, Peanut, Mexico... all of the happy things. I can hardly wait.

Wish me luck, although I'm not sure that's what I need.